Monday, July 6, 2015

I Don't Know What to Say

I don't know how to start this blog.  I guess I should just start by telling the truth.

I am so happy.

For months I wondered what this would feel like.  My stuff is in a new place.  My kids are still trying to figure out where everything is.  My cat looks at me, completely bewildered, wondering where in the hell she is.

She's home.


I've gone back and forth on the whole moving thing for a long time.  Let's see...Brad died almost exactly eight years seven and a half years ago I thought about moving.  And I didn't and I was right.

Until I did.  And I was right then, too.

This is just like everything else we've been through on this road; what's hard for you is a speed bump to someone else and a small twist in the road to someone else might derail you.

It's personal.

In this new house, I don't see the spot where my husband said goodbye for the last time.  I don't see where the Christmas tree has been for the last twelve years, eight of them without him.  I don't see the work bench he built.  I don't walk the lawn wondering if he likes the way I'm mowing it.

It wasn't easy.  These last few weeks have been like, yet again, ripping off a band-aid.  As I cleaned the kids' rooms, I shared a silent memory in each one and shut the door quietly as if kissing each one goodbye: the border Brad pasted to Haley's room when she was five; the border I painted in Michael's when he was a baby; Sarah...she came home from the hospital to that house. 

I looked around my room and remembered for the last time that morning my husband said goodbye.

 I loved that house for being a home...and I hated it for trapping me. 

It was simultaneously a source of comfort and pain.


And now?

Here I am.  I'm typing this in a new room.  Kids are laughing outside.  I'm surrounded by boxes.  I have a glass of red wine next to me.  I don't like the color of this room, but I can change it because it's mine. 

It's mine.


  1. So happy for you. The reason for the changes are hard, but it's wonderful when we can find sparkles in this new life.

  2. So well written, thank you for echoing my feelings. I have a deposit on a new house by the sea and johns home place and farm on the market. The farm was our dream now I need to follow my dream. Xx

  3. I am in the process of doing this .. house is for sale.. and I pray it will sale so I can move to a little place in the mountains I found... will put in an offer... I needed this so you spoke right to me... I know leaving will be sad but I will not re live his dying everyday on the master bedroom floor... and see his last minutes while not knowing what was coming.... yes... thank you as this was like a message from God to me...

  4. My husband didn't die, but we did get divorced. The family home had to be sold - and I'm so glad now because it would have been too big for me to manage. I've been in my house just over two years now and I must say, I love my little house. It may be small, but it's cosy, and I am happy.

    Good luck in your new home x

  5. Welcome to YOUR home! I moved a little over two years after my husband died and it was like closing one chapter and starting another. Of course I still miss him and there's still evidence of him in my home and my life but it's now my home, not 'ours' and my life, not 'ours. I wish you and your children much happiness in your new home.

  6. My husband also collapsed on the floor beside our bed. It's hard- he was my best friend, my study buddy in college, we had almost forty years together and 27 of them in this house... We raised four children in this house... the very walls have aged and so have I... However, I know I need to move on... It will be hard to say goodbye... Thanks for sharing your thoughts!